How to Transform Negative Memories

Description

Many of us are carrying negative memories that haunt us, causing us emotional pain and harming those around us. This technique is a way to slowly shift those memories so that they don't hold the same power over us.

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Tags: Kenton Whitman,ReWild University,Human Rewilding,personal rewilding,mindfulness,how to,bushcraft,survival,wilderness survival skills,how to survive in the woods,mental skills,healing from old memories,old memories,PTSD

Video Transcription

recently I had an experience where I failed to live up to my expectations of how I should behave in a situation more specifically this was a situation where somebody needed some help and because I misjudged the situation I didn't step in to help them as I feel that I shouldn't have now what this video is really about is about beating ourselves up by holding on to memories because here's what happened to me despite my mental emotional training I held on to this and here's what I did I kept replaying the situation in my mind and thinking how could I have done that differently kenton if you would have done this or you would have done that where you would have seen things more clearly that harm won't have been done to somebody so what I was doing is always creating a lot of mental torture for myself by going over this scenario again and again and by doing that I was not only hurting myself right because here's my life that I could otherwise appreciate it's the food that I meeting and the people that I'm with I couldn't be there in the same way to experience that because I was in my head torturing myself with thoughts of what I could have done differently but just as importantly I wasn't there for the people around me in the same way so my wife my children my friend I could not be as present for them as available for them emotionally mentally because I was stuck in my head now I went over this for about three days and and was kind of beating myself up over it and I think that's easy to do especially when we perceive that somebody else has been harmed by our actions it's one thing like this where this is not a situation where anybody was really hurt in any significant way at all but imagine EMTs who a decision they make might cause somebody of their lives imagine soldiers who might be carrying memories of if they just would have done this one thing differently they could to save the life of their body and even if it's not a professional thing a lot of us are carrying memories like this that we if we just would have done something differently a person that we love might still be there in our lives after three days of this Rebecca my wife she came to my rescue and and she reminded me that the mental activity that is in our mind to keep it alive we must cultivate it now a lot of times with memories like this it feels like it's just happening to me right so I could feel like oh this memories just popping up again and again and then I'm punishing myself for it but the truth is that it was coming up and then I was telling stories about it what if what could have been done differently what harm is going to come to this person because of what I did and started making up stories so the memory would arise and then on top of it I would start building layers of worried concerned frustration anxiety when I did that I strengthen that memory it becomes stronger and more real and as I keep building up those stories on top of it eventually it may not even be anything like it what it was originally it's become this great big monster that I'm carrying along and then I rebuild by cultivating it every time it comes out so Rebecca reminded me that we need to cultivate something you need to keep feeding in order to keep it alive her suggestion was simple when that memory came up instead of starting to build it with new memories and stories instead I could look at my daughter's face and just be all my love for her I could look outside and see the birds and appreciate their colors I could taste the food i was eating in other words the memory comes up and instead of focusing on it looking at it and building it I just gently turned my gaze elsewhere within a day this horror that I had been building up for three days it was gone and I could see clearly that I had done my best in that situation I done what I thought was right in that moment I'm looking back i could see i could have made different decisions yes I could have done better by my standards but it's what I did and I did my best and there it is and I think in a way we all do our best you know if you have a memory like that of something that you could have done differently we can hold a compassion for ourselves when we realize that under the current stressors the current fears we were harboring our current emotional mental state in general we all do our best sometimes it doesn't look like it because we're filled with fear we're filled with worry or stress and we and we just mess everything up but holding on to those things by cultivating them by building up more stories about them by retelling it over and over in our head it doesn't do anybody any favors it hurts ourselves and it hurts those around us because we cannot be as available for them in that way by holding on to something from the past we continue to foster more and more hurt in ourselves and in the people around us I know sometimes we can think no I've got a hold on to this thing I've got a hold on to it for the memory of the person that I failed I've got to hold on to it because if I don't punish myself I won't perform better next time but I don't believe that's true I don't think that the person that we failed would want us to continue to torture ourselves forever and and I don't think that we're going to forget in a significant way or in a way that's going to cause us to not rise up to meet a situation effectively next time if you're holding on to something like this I would encourage you to try out what Rebecca had me try and I'll just go over it one more time because it's powerful it's simple and it makes a huge difference when the memory comes up even if you've built it into a gigantic monster when that memory comes up take a look at it honor it and then gently turn your gaze elsewhere catch yourself before you start telling stories about it because it's that storytelling that makes it stronger and gives it deeper and deeper ruts if you've been holding on to something for 20 years it's strong it's going to take a lot of time turning your gaze softly to something else but every time you turn your gaze somewhere else you're going to take that memory you're going to make it into less of a monster and bring it back to what it really is which is that memory back inside your head it doesn't have all these stories told about it and then in that way you're honoring the memory you're honoring the person or the people that were involved in that memory and your rising up to meet the situations around you in a better way because you can be there emotionally mentally available for your friends your family for the people that you are associating with I guess the biggest lesson for me here was that simple thing that Rebecca said and that's that in every moment whatever we're holding in our mind that's an act of cultivation we are cultivating a mindset you're cultivating memories we're cultivating whatever activity is going to be going on in our minds I can cultivate negativity fear anger frustration or I can cultivate compassion personal strength love caring thoughts on this that leaves us all with the question in this moment and in every moment that follows what will you be cultivating in your mind thank you for watching as always I would love to hear your comments your thoughts and your experiences